Looking back..

Looking back..

I think about the past a lot, and how if I could time travel back what I would fix..

I would'nt fix anything. I am shaped by having grown up moving several times, leaving all the close relationships I spent years to build and having to rebuild.

I am scarred by having grown up feeling empty, alone, wishing that I would be normal and 200 pounds and overweight.

There's a hole inside of me that nothing could fill, nothing except Christ. That hole made the only worth living for is the wait for death. That hole made me hate myself and hate being born.

I see Christ using that hole to let me never forget that we live in a broken world. He is using that hole to always let me remember that there are people hurting and they have that same hole you did. Don't EVER forget that hole you had and how you felt, how it ate you, how it consumed your world and made it pitch black. I won't forget that hole, because that hole being filled shows that there are other holes that need filling.

I would not fix a thing if I could go back. Although at times my flesh is weak and wishes that I could have been someone else, and had grown up with a normal childhood, grown up happy, grown up proud of myself, grown up loving life. I know God does not make accidents. I live for those that need a whole filled and I want to share the only One who can fill that hole.

Choo Choo Chuga Chuga Choo Choo

A train moves across the country. The wheels turn in a predictable motion. Right now there are days where I am just going through the motions. Many people live their entire life going through the motions and are totally satisfied with that.

Unfourtantly for me I'm not satisfied with that. This deep desire in my heart to feel more, to burn with passion for something more is only satisfied by Christ's love. This year has been a taste of this eternal roller coaster I call Lord and God. Except until the roller coasters at Six Flags, this never gets less fun, less thrilling, less awesome. Right now I am standing in line for this roller coaster but through prayer and great moments of passion I skip and hop ahead of the line.

I want to be on that coaster 24/7, all the time. To feel Him and see Him move all the time.

What is Love

What is love? Baby don't hurt me, baby don't hurt me.. no more..

Okay enough of that garbage...

Love is simple, love is complex, love is pure, love is caring, and love most importantly is Christ.

With my loads of free time I've been reading an old book that I bought a few years back called "Cut". The storyline is about this girl named Callie who cuts herself because of something that is going on in her life. The details are so vivid, one line that puts it clear in my mind goes " I dragged the scissor blades and blood came out in red ribbons, and then ballooned, and finally it burst. I felt a rush, then relief, and then exhaustion." As I read the first 30 pages, Callie showed almost no emotion, she was so hurt inside and her dad won't even come visit her. No one even knows why she is in the treatment hospital. Then a girl named Teresa found out about her cutting in group therapy. It was hard because Callie refused to talk, she won't even utter a word. Teresa said to her as they were going to bed " Callie it's okay if you don't want to talk, just don't hurt yourself, I care about you." The book described Callie's heart just breaking, and she wanted to cry so hard, tears came down hey eyes, but in order to cry she'd have to make a sound and she decided to hold it inside.

I love how Corinthians describe love: ⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Callie's heart broke because Teresa came to her and said " Callie I care, and it's not for any reason than I care for you."

Its really sad how in so many areas of life we forget to love. Being rude and insensitive is more of a norm, and caring for someone makes us look weak and it is perceived as weird. When someone is doing poorly at a job, so many are like vultures, and they wonder why this person won't resign so that THEY can take his job. Why not ask them why they are struggling? Because that just be too non proud, non rude, and too non self seeking.

I intend to always love patiently, kindly, not for pride, not for self seeking glory, not be easily angered, and erase all records of wrongs. No amount of hurt done on me is eternal. Some might say you need to stop watching Barney, haha well I'm going to keep watching ;).

Praise God for words of wisdom! I love how He uses the hurt in the world and hurt that I see around me to teach me how to truly love!

Life in Paradise?

In the past three days, I have spent a total of 6 hours at the pool. Swimming, reading, thinking, reflecting on this year. As I listen to music I am thinking.. the song "Lifesong" says " Let the things I say, Let the things I say, Let my life song sing to You!" I wonder how much time in the past few days I've wasted doing stuff on the computer, and watching TV. The best times in this time where I have almost zero responsibilities has been the time focused on God. I love how God has planted in us something that is not satisfied by this world. When I was heading to the Des Moines airport I was talking with Burdine, and we just talked about what some people think happiness is.

There was this guy I've been debating a bit on Facebook and he said to me " Unlike you I am enjoying lusting, having sex, and using drugs." Jason said to me, " Man we just don't get it. People have been lusting, having sex and doing drugs since the stone age, and how happy were they? How happy is the creator of Playboy? He doesn't look that happy. How happy are people who win the lottery a few weeks after the thrill is gone? These things aren't eternal."

I love how God has just reaffirming that in my life. I am only fully satisfied in Him. Not in pleasures, not in worldly things, not even in the closest of friends. I can see God blessing me with close friends, and I am eternally thankful but even those relationships don't fully satisfy me like Christ's love does. Isn't it funny, Hugh Hefner is surrounded by the world's 'beautiful' women. Yet he does not feel the same joy that a kid like me who worships the living God.

God I love You! I love You for music in this time. I thank You for your faithfulness.

How Great is Our God

How great is our God... SING WITH ME how Great is our God!

That is how I feel right now, so jacked and so intensely blessed by the Lord and our savior Christ.

Our last worship of the year was so wonderful, of the 15 people in our little music room, there was maybe one or two that I hadn't had a blessed moment with this year. It was such a gift from Christ that I was able to look around the room and just remember all the great memories that I had shared with all of them. I think I had the biggest smile on my face today, with so many great friends around me all singing to Christ.

I could not have gotten through this year without God's grace. As I mess up daily and God's grace is more than enough.

God your grace is ENOUGH, Sufficient, Too much, and I soak it up.

Please bless the following year as abundantly!

A Year in Review

I said to myself I would write this tomorrow.. but I hate waiting until tomorrow.

2008 has been a crazy year, more has happened in this one year of life than in many many years. I'll just put it in bullets since its easier.

1.) Faith- I would say this is the biggest thing. There's that slogan "Christianity is not just a religion it's a relationship." That statement is kind of an under statement. Christ is more than a relationship, it is life. As I grow in my faith and my relationship with God it has just been incredible. Being a true Christian is much more than a label, putting a stamp on a drivers license like your political party. I am so excited for what God will do next year, and how as Christ followers we will be involved in His plan.

2.) Friends- This year I have made more solid friends than any other time in my life. I am extremely blessed for great people in my life that are true blessings from Christ. People like Lance, Justin, Ben, Jordan, Jason, Michael, Andrew, and so many other solid people have really blessed my life, and challenge me everyday to be a even better person to glorify Christ. I love men who are passionate, strong on values, there for others, loving, and can shed a tear. I find that evident in most everyone I've met this year, and my only regret is not being able to have a deep relationship more people.

3.) Self- Ben Jensen said to me four weeks ago, " Look at yourself in a week, you should wonder who you were the week before and be able to laugh at who you were a week ago."

At the time I kind of laughed, I mean a week..? Give me a break no one changes like that, and some wonder if people can ever change. Well the answer is yes. Some adjectives for me at the start of the year: Arrogant, lost, proud, rude, broken, scared. Some adjectives for now: Excited, on fire for Christ, loving, deep, working on pride, working on occasional rudeness.

So it is incredible that a week after Ben said to me his statement, I was shocked how much different I was a week ago. That change comes directly from Christ.

I am so blessed that Christ has brought out my goodness, and that I don't have to act fake or put up some front. It is exciting to live without shame, worry, or regret.

4.) Future- I know I am living for Christ. That is certain and that is all the guaranty I need.

I praise God for this year, and pray that next year will be even better.

What a weekend

Stan emailed some guys about a camping trip, and we were expecting exciting things, this was Stan after all and it is never dull with him. Little did we know we'd be killing our lunch. After various activities on Friday and Saturday morning, a 300 pound sow was released and we tracked, shot, and killed it. Meng ripped opened the thing's throat and Collin gutted that thing. Was a lot of fun, it was a lot like cleaning a fish, except it was way bigger, and it shook like crazy even after being shot square in the temple of the head with a .44.

Really a man weekend, I wish I had grown up doing this. Meat tastes better when you cut it off the animal yourself, and it is a great character builder. We live such boring and easy lives, getting up for 11 o clock classes suddenly become a challenge when we're in college, what a laugh.. That pig was dead and being dragged on a pick up by 11:20. This weekend of challenged me to seize the day. I hope to waste less time. I wish I could do this everyday, but I know God will send challenges my way for me to seize the day for Him.